As parents, we sometimes forget that children are not miniature adults. It’s easy to become frustrated when a child has a meltdown over something seemingly trivial—like a sandwich being cut the “wrong” way. Many of us instinctively respond with logic: “Just eat the sandwich; it tastes the same!” or “Some kids don’t have food at all!” While these reactions are well-meaning, they don’t help a child experiencing an intense emotional moment.
A child’s brain is still developing, particularly the prefrontal cortex, which regulates decision-making, emotional control, and planning. This part of the brain doesn’t fully mature until the mid-to-late 20s, so it’s essential to recognize that your child cannot think or regulate their emotions like an adult. Instead of expecting rational responses, we can use these difficult moments as opportunities to teach emotional regulation, patience, and connection.
Tantrums Are Developmentally Appropriate
Meltdowns and tantrums are not a sign of a “bad kid” or poor parenting—they are developmentally appropriate. Young children rely heavily on the limbic system, the brain’s emotional center, to process their experiences. Their emotional reactions are raw and immediate because they lack the executive functioning skills to regulate their behaviour like adults.
Notice that your child’s tantrums become increasingly severe, frequent, or inconsistent with other children their age.
Tantrums Communicate Emotional Overwhelm
Every behaviour, including a tantrum, is a form of communication. Children often lack the words to describe their feelings, so they express their sense of being overwhelmed physically or emotionally. During a meltdown, consider: What skill do I want to teach my child right now? Rather than yelling or dismissing their feelings, focus on modelling calmness and validation.
Your child is looking to you as their guide, so ask yourself, “How do I want to teach my child to handle stress?”
Manage Your Emotional Reactivity
Let’s be honest: tantrums are exhausting and never come at a convenient time. Staying calm during a meltdown can feel impossible if you’re stressed from work, household responsibilities, or personal challenges. However, managing your emotional reactivity is crucial.
When faced with your child’s tantrum:
- Regulate yourself first. Take deep breaths and remind yourself that tantrums are developmentally appropriate.
- Stay calm and present. Your ability to remain calm physiologically soothes your child—this process is called co-regulation.
- Recognize triggers. Children may be tired, hungry, sick, or reacting to earlier frustrations. Understanding the root of the meltdown can help you approach it with empathy.
If you struggle with self-regulation, consider exploring breathing exercises, mindfulness techniques, or professional guidance to strengthen your emotional response skills.
Validate Your Child’s Feelings
Validation does not mean agreeing with the cause of the meltdown or giving in to their demands. It means acknowledging your child’s emotions and helping them label their feelings. For example:
- “I know you’re upset because I cut your sandwich differently.”
- “I understand you’re disappointed we’re not buying a toy today.”
By naming their emotions, you help your child make sense of their overwhelming feelings. This practice teaches them emotional vocabulary and helps them feel seen and understood.
Remember: Avoid giving in to tantrums once you’ve set a boundary, as this can unintentionally reinforce the behaviour. Instead, hold firm with compassion and consistency.
Stay Connected and Supportive
Tantrums can feel isolating for parents and children, but remaining connected during emotional outbursts strengthens trust and security. Your child needs to know that you love and accept them, even when they’re upset.
- Offer comfort: Some children may want a hug, while others need space to calm down. Let your child know you are there for them when they are ready.
- Ensure safety: Ensure your child is safe and not at risk of harm during a tantrum.
- Avoid shame: Reassure them that emotions are a natural part of being human.
When you stay calm, connected, and compassionate, you teach your child that emotions, even intense ones, are manageable and temporary.
Use Teaching Moments After Regulation
Once you and your child are calm, reflect on what happened and discuss strategies for next time. This is the ideal time to:
- Talk about emotions: Ask your child to share their feelings and explain why they were upset.
- Introduce coping tools: Teach simple self-soothing techniques like deep breathing, counting to 10, or squeezing a stress ball.
- Discuss alternatives: Ask your child what they can do differently when overwhelmed. Encourage problem-solving and offer suggestions.
For example: “Next time you feel upset, let’s take a deep breath together and talk about it instead of screaming.”
Final Thoughts
Meltdowns and tantrums are a natural part of childhood development. They signal emotional overwhelm and a need for guidance—not disobedience or “bad” behaviour. By managing your emotions, validating your child’s experience, and staying connected, you can teach them how to navigate their feelings healthily and productively.
Remember, emotional regulation is a skill that takes time to develop—be patient with your child and yourself. You are their greatest model for managing stress and big emotions. You can turn tantrums into opportunities for growth and learning through calmness, empathy, and connection. If you need child therapy in London, get started here for a free consultation.
